So I did lose my mind.

And it's great now, to be mindless.

I'm joking, kind of.

I don't know who I am. I don't know who anyone else is either or how all of this fits or if any of us fit together.

I'm tired of complaining too. Everything is so up and down. I wonder if I can find rest in God.

I don't really see a lot of people who have found rest. It makes me sad.

On the seventh day God rested. I want to be in the seventh day.

There is too much hell in me. There is too much malice, too much numbness.

How can I be changed when I fear change so much?

I want to let go. I want to. Help me to not fear it Lord. Help me to not fear You.

Might actually be losing my mind

I've been hospitalized twice in my life before for depression. One of those times was after I tried to commit suicide.

All of the sadness and rage has a core in me. It all surrounds around my religious beliefs. I had an idea of a perfect world growing up, or at least, perhaps, a possibility of one, but the possibility seems remoter and remoter every day.

All I wanted was to do what I saw my religion as teaching. I try so hard.

I try so hard to understand that sometimes God disappears. I have never met anyone as intense about knowing the truth behind life as I am.

I'm so used to complaining about it. It has great rewards though. An unfortunate consequence is complete loneliness. Most people just seem to want me to slow down. I can't.

I have to know God's intention, assuming there is a God, which I do.

People often bring up an idea that I might have some kind of mental disorder that makes me the way I am. Most of it seems like a load of bull to me, even if it's not, I don't want to know what life is without an intense desire to know.

If I have been cursed with an invisible ailment, God is to blame. Perhaps I am and the God I believe in is different than I see Him or not really there. I don't want to live if there is no God. I don't want to live if He is different than I see Him, at least different in that way. There is a reason I feel so intensely or there are no reasons at all.

I will by no means be imprisoned by anyone, any job, any medications, any notion of politeness beyond God's rules. I will be God's or I will not be

Real love

Real love is something to consider. To be selfless, to lay down all your concerns for another. It's possible. If people would only believe that it's possible to not be concerned with their own well-being and to only care about everyone else.

It's possible to not care if you're hungry and thirsty. It's possible to not care if people hate you and hurt you.

It's possible to only see what's best, to only know that there is hope for everyone.

It's possible to die without fear or anger. It's possible to give someone everything.

Love is not a dream, our Father is not far away

To love without reserve

we are the children of Love

Still

Here's a poem I wrote for my brother a month ago. He doesn't believe in God anymore and we've had a lot of conversations. I wrote this after he left my house after visiting us for two weeks.

Brother

Slip
Do you feel the, slip?
Do you feel

Does the water clean us?
Sad songs live unstrung

Hold it, a naive sun
Slip

My chosen lie
Our bold derision
Chaos has chosen
and what remains?

Silhouette
Moving, moving,
moving

And the story ends
Our cares only a metaphor

If only life could dream to give us peace
my hollow heart

You will never die

Glory of God

For some reason I feel like writing about God. I was raised in a Swedenborgian church. It's kind of Christian in that we follow the teachings of the Old and New Testaments, but we also follow the writings of Emanuel Swedenborg.

I think from a psychological standpoint, the idea of God is amazing. If you just for a moment consider the difference between someone who does believe in God and someone who does not. For this to work, you have to consider the perspective of one who does not believe in God. If you assume that the one who does not believe in God is normal, think about what that means for the one who does believe in God. The atheist is concerned with everyday things, everyday. The atheist meets people and knows that there is no great story behind any of it. The atheist knows the he or she is a realist, not believing in fairy tales of 'God' and 'heaven' and that the reality of life is that there is nothing, no guidance, no great meaning. We die. The End.

The believer has an unseen friend. This unseen friend is incapable of dysfunction, incapable of hate, incapable of fear. He is invincible. He is all-powerful. He will not stop until the earth beneath us moves and we are humbled by love itself. He envelops us when we fall, so we do not fall completely. He tears us from our misery to the see the dawning of a new day. When we cannot bear a minute longer to to be demeaned and tortured by our thoughts and the dark things of the world, He is a bed for us, a resting place, until we are renewed.

His is our warrior. He is our gentle one. He is wisdom above wisdom. He is Lord and often, He is our heart. There is no hatred, no anger, it is not possible for Him to frown.

His arms are always open, for all.

Our one, mighty, loving, all merciful Father

i fall before you

Everything that is Going Down

I've been trying to find what I want to do for a living. I kind of want to be a writer. I've been trying to write different blogs and everything on this internet thing, but it's very hard for me to market my blogs. I'm uncomfortable telling people to read my blog. I don't like shoving things in people's faces or filling their lives with my agenda. I don't think I'm that important. I don't think anyone could be that important.

I believe in God. I believe that there is a plan for my life, but I don't know what it is. I've never known what it is and I don't think I should know.

Everyone is always trying to make me see that I am failing if I don't have a job and make sure I have enough money to keep going in this world. I don't think it's right of them to force this opinion on me. If God is leading me to a place where I won't have money or a place to live, I don't see why I would run away from it.

Nobody likes what I'm selling and I don't see a reason to try and sell what is meaningless to me. I believe in honesty, simplicity, what is immaterial and cannot be quantified. I believe in small words and simple love. If people don't care about these things, should I really try to give them what they do like, but that I don't like? Should I make my words less direct and more material? It's not who I am. To die because the world does not love what you love is not such a huge thing. Life is fleeting.

People berate me because I don't care about living so much as "I should". You kill my spirit because I won't save my body. I've listened for a time to the arguments, but the backing for them has grown thin. The life of my body is in the hands of God. I will not work to save it if the work I love is not acceptable.

It would be foolish to trade my love for life.

What if no one wants to hear, what you have to say?

I'm going to get mad at the entire world, right. Because no one wants to hear, right. What I want to say, right?

What if no one wants to hear what you have to say, no one likes the way you have of saying what you say. But I do.

I like the way, i say what i say.

ilike the way ido what i do, i like the way i think and those things i think and those ways i say all those things i do and the ways i do

and no one hears

I love my dreams, the sweet little things, sweet little thoughts of dancing candle flames

and the faces i see of hope and peace and whispering loves

if only you'll see the gentle wings

but my dreams will always be my mystery and my ways, always, my ways

no one will see what i see
no one will be
a little odd me